Characters in xx80s Fantasy Land page 4

54. King Richard: Enjoys roasting a succulent pig at a Pagan Banquet. Founded the King Richard's Faire. Has a wiry, bushy grayish beard about 1.5 inches long. Enjoys watching beggars smear themselves in mud. 55. King David: Killed over 10,000 evil people with his own sword. Has a long red beard. Is sometimes seen today. Invented the Star of David. Is very friendly to people who don't hate Jews. Was almost speared by Saul Rosenberg. 56. Goliath P. Giant:Tried to kill King David, but got hit by a stone thrown by David instead. His head was chopped off by the very sword that he owns. 57. Saul Rosenberg: Tried to spear King David back in the FM STMF music disc era. Put on quite a demonstration when he fell on his own sword. Only killed less than 10,000 evil people. Has a thick wiry black beard. 58. Jean Ribault: Was speared with a pike back in the SID music era and was photographed as he died. One guy with a sword chopped Ribault's leg off quite rapidly and cleanly to keep as a trophy. 59. James Winthrop: Came over on the Mayflower in 1620. Married to Polly Winthrop. Quite possibly the only Pilgrim to have an accent. A very poor shot with a flintlock shotgun. Often ends up shooting Cotton Mather non-fatally. 60. Cotton Mather: The Villiage Idiot of Plymouth Mass. Once sold tobacco and bought nice clothes. Was then almost gutted like a fish when James Winthrop saved him. Not very good at telling jokes. Once ordered a mail-order bride which was junk. 61. Increase Mather: A Puritanical Witch which did sorcery during the year 1692. Was called Increase because he would always "Increase" the volume on the Kraco Mayflower Stereo, even if the volume was high. 62. Tituba Faraday: A Pagan girl who casted one too many spells (you know, the one which fungifyed the grain) and started the Salem Witch problems in the Cruel Summer of 1692. 63. John Proctor: A nobody who got into sorcery and witchcraft and had to pay for it later by being hanged. 64. Norman Lin: A person who was the farthest from sorcery and invented the Protracker Music Box II in 1693. This brought people out of the Salem Witch problems by distracting them with MOD music which had more than four channels. 65. Squanto Disquantum: A Type I Indian (native american) which enjoyed turkey, cranberry sauce, bread crumb stuffing, mashed potatoes, squash, and lobster on the last Thursday in November 1621. Showed the Pilgrims how to make corn in early 1621. 66. Christopher Columbus: Was the first non-arcane person to buy a Sidplayer Music Box on August 19, 1489. Didn't discover squat. Hates Type I Indians and finds them a nuisance. Therefore some of his crew was tied up in a matrix configuration and set on fire. 67. Sir Francis Drake: Perfected the chocolate-covered, chocolate-breaded cream pie and sold them as Drake's Cakes. When he had to row with the other slaves, he caused the ship to do a burnout. 68. Uncas Grayhair: In the late 1750s, a Mohican Type I Indian who was sanguinarilly stabbed brutally and repeatedly in front of his girlfriend simply because he was the second-to last Mohican.  The girlfriend then jumped off the cliff because she didn't want to have her blood ritually poured upon Magua, who was going to kill her next. Her sister cried about it because she didn't know how to select "File", "New Game". 69. Magua: Routinely and reliably carves Mohicans into strips and eats their raw juicy flesh without using napkins. Intentionally tries to make the biggest mess with Mohican blood. Was killed by the last surviving Mohican, Chichingook by whacking him in the head with the business end of a tomahawk. 69. Redcoats:In their chest is where your bayonet should go. Then pull the trigger.  Kill them on sight and without trial. Not really a problem until after 1754. 70. King Tut: An Egyptian who thought ahead and left a good legacy. This was especially important as he only lived to be 19 or so. Enjoys music. 71. Holofernes: His head was sawed off by Judith and was put on display in a museum. He was so plastered he didn't even know that he was being beheaded. Before the head was put on display, she kicked the loose head around a bit.

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