Types of Characters in xx80s Fantasy Land

This page lists some of the characters in xx80s Fantasy Land, a place where the Old Ways are Alive, and I don't mean sorcery (or at least, not all the time). It is like a step below Heaven, where things can still go wrong, but not too often. This list is not all-inclusive. It looks like it's printed on receipt paper so it will fit on a Playstation Portable Screen

1. Grog of Guinness:An Elementalist which uses the powers of Earth, Fire, Air, and Water (kind of like a Sorcerer) and has icy blue hair. He likes to run the witchy wattage meter at a zillion RPM, but uses those magical powers to do good things, so it comes back to him 3 times. 2. Gandalf:A virtually sorcery-free Wizard which uses the power of Bathroom, Hygiene, and Radio magic and mostly medieval weaponry to save Middle Earth. 3.William Wallace aka. Braveheart:The most bloodthirsty Highlander ever bred. He has been known to walk up to an Elf, take out a dagger, run it across his throat, and catch the spurting blood in a goblet to drink. Drinks 2 liters of Elven Blood a day, which tastes like Sam's Choice Root Beer. Often has random feasts of Elven Flesh, often carving it off of the Elf with a sword and eating it in front of him while he is bleeding to death. 4.Rau Stoltzfus: An extremely bloodthirsty Samurai which cuts Geishas up into tiny pieces for fun (..and I don't mean the tuna!). He enjoys collecting swords, and taking Kodachrome transparencies of bloody swords with a Nikon mechanical SLR camera. 5. The Queen of Faeries:A Wiccan(tm) girl which brags about spells she has casted, even if they cast only a distance of 1 angstrom. She thinks Sorcery and Witchcraft will solve all her problems, but rarely causes trouble because of the "harm none" doctrine. Theme song is n.s beat by Ackerlight. 6. Uther The Pendragon:The temporary king of the Britons. He is extremely lustful and leers at every girl within arrow distance, but only on days ending in Y. He does not think of the consequences of his actions and instead thinks of all girls all the time. 7. Maximus The Gladiator: A royal Roman man who was singled out and picked on by some evil person who murdered the king. Maximus's family was nuked and his house torched. They tried to kill him and virtually succeeded, but not before the evil person's throat was punctured in a gladiator match. Before he got picked on, he managed to secretly invent the phonograph. Remembered for the "Eleven Seconds of Recording" sword. 8. King Arthur Uther Pendragon: Swordbearer of Druids, the ruler of Britian in the Amberola 31 era. A really well made, properly designed Pagan (operating within design limits). Quite possibly the only thing witchy he has used is Divination to get 1980s songs on celluloid cylinder. Has been known to listen to 80s music while riding horses in a suit of armor. Theme song is Back on Track by Breakfast Club. 9. Guinevere: A very feminine girl which is known to seduce knights including Lancelot. Makes excellent re-useable fuel for burning at the stake. Can only be killed by tying a cinder block to her feet and lobbing her off the Tacoma Narrows Bridge and waiting until she drowns, as indicated by a 8 or 50 or 60 hertz buzzing sound coming from under the water. (8, 50, and 60 hertz are the electrical frequency at which sorcery operates, she just happened to use them all) 10. Fu Manchu: His beard on his chin grows 256 times faster than the hairs on his cheeks or sideburns. The chin hairs grow at a rate of about 1 inch a year. He is your average looking wise Chinese man. Will never kill anyone. Very friendly and will let you feel his chin hairs. Also likes hugs and being cuddled. 11. Alim Khan: One of the most friendly Arabs you will ever meet. Also likes having his facial hair felt. Looks like a fat sultan in a turban and blue flowery coat. Carries a sword at all times, he has never killed anyone. He can't seem to get enough hugs, even from strangers. He is the ruler of Bukhara. In reality he was the only true monarch of an industrialized country to ever be photographed in color--the good Old Ways of Imperial rule ending once he stopped ruling. 12. Zoras Napster: A warlock which listenes to modern real music by way of Divination. Created the Fortune Radio and thus a killer app for the phonograph in 450 A.D. His record collection was never equaled in sheer size. 13. Dabura KaZaa: The prince of demons which also sold modern music records, but used evil trickery by using a crystal ball to see when people were listening and using extortion to get more money each time they listened. He later repented for his sins. He looks really Faustian. 13.5 Faust Faustus: A Pagan who became a Mephisto. Faustus derives pleasure from seeing things fail, even if it will hurt him. Kind of like Sammy on the soap opera 'Days of Our Lives'. His only redeeming feature was that he was photogenic. 14. Merlin: A Male Witch/Magician which was an enabler for Uther Pendragon's lust. Had the second largest record collection. Was put into temporary retirement by Morgan LeFay. Looks like a cuddly wizard in a witchy outfit. 15. Morgan LeFay: Tried to kill Merlin with cheap witchcraft found inside off brand shoes hanging from a cathedral spire. Didn't succeed to say the least. And her cylinders recorded from the early 1990s sound pretty bad, often getting only parts of songs. She was probably concentrating and inhaling Dragon Blood Incense while she tried to kill Merlin. Word of advice...Friends don't let friends do rituals while intoxicated. 16. Eli Lapp: A member of The Children Of The Corn, later known as the Amish. Was very non-violent. Never practiced sorcery. Basically a virtually perfect person. 17. Queen Anne: A queen of England. Was the worst engineer ever seen. Nothing she ever made lasted longer than a celebrity marriage. If you ever need flashbulbs for the light sockets in the girls bathroom you know where to get them...yes..the supposed 750 hour 60 watt 120 volt bulbs, made by Queen Anne. She also was a major manufacturer of the rubber bands on plastic Halloween Masks. 18. Emma Yoder: A supposedly Amish girl that was extremely ugly. The Amish ban on photography comes from her annilhating people's disc-film cameras by the lens beholding her hideous face. Her looks cause a makeup compact to explode the moment she opens it, therefore the Amish don't use makeup anymore. Even the reflective sheen of deodorant when she looks upon it causes the deodorant to immolate itself. Even Kodak Safety film is very dangerous if photons strike her and then the non-flammable film. 19. Energy Sphere Leprechaun: An Extremely Lucky Leprechaun which wins on every single lottery ticket he has ever played. Has been banned from gambling because he puts the house out of business. He then dances on peoples ceilings, though skeptics say it's their children putting a shoe over a broomstick and hitting the ceiling with it.

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