xx80s Fantasy Land Characters Page Two
20. Link Link: The most tasty. succulent Elf ever produced. Made in large numbers because of its drinkable carbonated blood. Will put on a show of pain if you cut it up and eat it. Served at any type of banquet, even non-arcane ones. Beware, some Link Link's come with a sword and will try to impale you, but if you have a Victor Spring Motor Automatic Sorcery-Free Twisting Dagger, you can finish him off and carve his flesh.
21. Zelda Picori: A female Elf which is only good when used as food. Shoots carbonated red blood when her throat is slit.
22. Edward The Longshanks: A cruel Pagan..wait a minuet, he does things that would make even bad Pagans disown him. He's not even worthy of the name Pagan! As much as I dislike Pagans, I think he is even worse. He likes to kil men's wives to see the husbands suffer. He does things that would make even a dark mage cringe. Sometimes he kills his own kind, including the bad Pagans and almost surely the good ones too. In this fantasy he is the worst human ever made (since it ends before the 20th century), proving that junk can be made in the underworld. More than twice he has shot arrows at his own troops, even is an enemy is nowhere within sight. If I was there I would cast the first stone at him. He is that bad.
23. Kimahri: A blue Tigon which was known to bring fun, non-violent sports including Blitz Ball to xx80s Fantasy Land.
24. Caligua: A Roman leader which did gross things to girls, (stuff I can't mention on this website) and had too much bathroom humor outside the bathroom, except that with the humor he was dead serious. He would make threats to drop poop and F bombs long before gunpowder was invented.
25. Xena MacHine: A Pictish warrior girl which also derived pleasure from photographing bloody swords. She would impale ilves with a sword and then lick the blade, highlander style. When using a camera, she would stab creatures with cyan blood so that the blood would come out red on the negatives.
26. Elrond Hubbard: Father of Rob Hubbard and Arwen Hubbard (later Arwen Endomil). He recordeded digitally in Differential Pulse Code Modulation 1 year before the Norman Conquest, not long after my local convenience store changed the coffee in the pot. Arwen Hubbard maried Aragorn, and Rob Hubbard went on to have a successful life making Sidplayer cads. The Old Mrs. Hubbard's first name was also Arwenm the exact same person. Elrond Hubbard's flesh is reported to tase rather gamey.
27. Ivan The Terrible: The First Tsar of Russia. He would blow up boyars with gunpowder, throw Cats and Dogs off the Kremlin walls, kill his own son with a pointed staff, hack his best friend to pieces with a 3 inch blade and pour ethanol in the cuts while selecting wines, drinking Mercury Metal as if it were Elf Blood (like it's going out of style) and he blinded the makers of Saint Basil's Cathedral so it wouldn't be made again. He enjoys wearing a Monomakh crown with a ring phonograph built in.
28. Ivan V Alexxevich the Ignorant: The first recorded owner of a Protracker Music Box, was very peaceful and never killed anyone. Wasn't the brightest bulb in the pack, but still better then Queen Anne Bulbs (or shall I say Single-Shot Limited Luminosity Electric Lamps). Married to Praskovya Saltykova. The Demoscene dies with him. However PSF music lived on.
29. Praskovya Saltykova: Wife of Ivan V, she collected tracked music boxes, having many different machines, each with its own module format. One day she put the wrong module in the wrong music box and was blasted out the window and landed on a halberd.
30. Anastasia Romanov: The last of the Old Ways people (not Sorcery!!!) some claming to live into the 1980s, completing the loop. Actually she was gunned down by the Bolsheviks.
31. Rasputin: The world's last surviving Cavalier, was finally defeated by commies. He was poisoned 6 times, shot twice, beaten, and thrown into a lake. As these faerytale creatures were becoming extinct rather rapidly, Rasputin also too down the Romanovs with him.
32. Thylacine: The Tasmanian Tiger. Was killed by Homo Sapiens in the early 20th century. Such distant past I decided to include it in the list.
33. Unicorn: A horse with a horn coming out of its forehead. This horn is somewhat magical, allowing for collison detection at the Unicorn's top speed which was about 300 Miles Per Hour. So in a day or two, you could travel the equivalent of the Oregon Trail safely by riding on a Unicorn.
34. Winged Dragon: The original Medieval Airline, a mode of public transportation. Even when people brought swords onto a dragon, it was never hijacked. People trusted each other back then. No one pushed anyone off the dragon in mid-flight either.
35. Flightless Dragon: This is the Chinese Dragon. Mainly used as pets.
36. Faery: Humans with insect-like wings, Can also interfere with your raster and make you kiss them when in fact they are not your girlfriend. Male faeries do exist at a ratio of 146,157,903 female faeries for every 1 male faery.
37. Troll: Lives under bridges. Occasionally eats hobbits.
38. Goblin: Edward the Longshanks was the Satanic (formerly Pagan) Red Goblin. He was killed by a unicorn horn. Normally they say things like "fire fire rising higher, making music like a choir", though it is much more normal to make music with a Protracker Music Box.
39. Orc: Black-blooded creatures that look like grotesque humans. Their flesh is tasty, but not nearly as tasty as the flesh of elves. Usually they are used to run machinery and for orcburgers.
40. Uruk-Hai: Black-blooded creatures that look like a well-built man with long hair and dark leathery skin. They have been known to eat the occasional hobbit.
41. Hobbit: Any short human with hairy feet, slightly pointed ears, and curly hair. Normally incapable of growing beards. The Hobbits are known to wash eatch other's feet and this passed on to the Amish.
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